The pain is exactly that, deep…..and ….wide. Right now it feels unending and unlike anything I ever imagined. Its more prominent than it was two years ago but why? Was I in shock, was I trying to protect my kids? (I felt like I was) How do I piece together my emotions and put them into words? Should I put them into words? Would anyone understand?
Focus is almost out of reach, it’s consuming – controlling, no confusing! What am I supposed to think, feel? How am I supposed to act?
I must have subconsciously thought it would never happen to me. I hurt for the few people I’d heard of that had experienced such a loss and I even said to myself “if that ever happened to me, I’d curl up in a ball and never function normally again”. I typed those words on Facebook that night, while still stunned that it was really true. I was over 6 hours away and all I wanted to be was there…to know it was true, to hold your hand, to tell you how much I loved you and that you couldn’t leave.
The conversation with my family from start to end still plays in my head right up to the NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO and who knows how many NO’s that came out of my mouth before the phone dropped. My sweet sister offered to drive through the night to come get me so I could be close to him one more time but I couldn’t stand the thought of possibly loosing one more person in my life due to my selfishness (wreck because she got sleepy). Besides, it wouldn’t get me there right then…to his truck, to his body laying lifeless in his new truck that he was driving to his favorite fishing hole. I just wanted to hold him one more time. I never got to!!!!
Jordan was so full of life and from the day he was born was quite the social butterfly. He loved people and they loved him…they loved him just the way he was because he couldn’t be anyone but himself.
Softball was in his blood, his dad and all his uncles were known in the small town of Graham, TX and the surrounding areas as….the Chappell brothers. If you pitched to them, you could plan on it going over the fence. Jordan on the other hand was known for playing, ——– in his……………………….boots, yes boots – that is, when he played. Really, he was known for genuinely caring about others and ALWAYS being there if you needed him.
These are the kind of memories I have about my baby. BABY…he’d be 22 this October but he’ll always be my baby. He wouldn’t deny it either, his friends say that if I called, he’d tell everyone to be quiet….”my Mom is on the phone.!” Oh how I love to hear the stories. Somewhere here I get side tracked about why I even began to tell my story, how it should end. Maybe I don’t know because it hasn’t ended. I still miss him, I sill think about him all the time….especially on the anniversary of his death (today, May 2nd).
No matter what, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that God has been with me throughout this trial and still is. That my story is meant to heal………and maybe not only me.
Part 2…to be determined.